When we are born, our parents are everything we have in this world. They are someone we turn to for support, assistance, and safety. They are someone we look up to tell us the rules of this world we are born into.
The fact is we are all human and all of us make mistakes. Nevertheless, to a child’s mind its parents are something a lot more than just a human.
They are its creators, its caretakers, its protectors, and they’ve lived here before it was even born. Our mother and father are our goddess and god when we are young. They are the only thing we know in the midst of this vast unknown.
That’s the reason why, what parents do and how they behave becomes an important part of their children’s mind. They are an example mold for our early consciousness, something to look from when it develops our character.
The way we talk to our children becomes their inner guide!
Our brain has a lot more neural connection when we are young. It absorbs almost everything that takes place around us with a purpose to better adjust in its surroundings.
As we grow up, it holds on only to the most used neural connections and it gets rid of everything that we do not frequently use.
Our mom’s and dad’s voice is something that gets integrated deeply into our psyche, it becomes our inner guide. The way they talk to us ends up being the way our inner voice speaks to us, the way we talk to ourselves.
If they are angry most of the time they talk to us, if they are harsh and cold, if they yell every time we do something wrong, that’s how we’ll handle ourselves whenever we make a mistake. However, as we said, we are all human, we make mistakes and it’s ok. The way you deal with the mistakes is how you learn and overcome them.
How to talk to your child?
An insulting inner guide can prevent us from trying new things by making us feel useless whenever we make a mistake. While a friendly inner guide can be our biggest support, guide and motivator in life.
That’s why it is important to talk to your child with kindness, love and sincerity even if they make a mistake, or do something wrong.
You will develop a voice inside their head that will support them in life every time they need assistance, even when you are not there. Or at least you can try to avoid saying the following phrases. They are very harmful to a child’s developing character!
“Stop crying right now!”
Normally when a child does something it knows will be punished for, they start crying. But despite the fact that there is no reason for them to cry, that’s their emotion. They have all the right on the world to express how they feel. By saying this you are slowly setting your child to suppress its feelings.
Instead you should kindly say: “It’s ok to cry sweety, it’s ok to demonstrate how you feel. However, that does not make what you did a right thing to do.” Hug, and explain why it is wrong what they did.
“You are worthless!”
This is possibly the worst thing you can say to a child. Especially when you are the person and the mental figure they expect most of to be given approval. By saying this, you are putting your child on a never ending journey to look for approval from the outside world. Instead of helping them find their own worth inside, you are letting them believe they have nothing inside to find.
There are a lot of things you can say instead of this, like: “You can do much better!”, “Nobody is perfect.”, “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”
“Big boys/girls don’t get scared!”
First off, why are you lying to your child. You are most likely more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are truthfully feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.
Instead of this, tell your child: “It’s okay to be frightened buddy. Everyone are scared sometimes. However, I know there is courage inside you that will help you do the right thing even if you are frightened. You are my little hero!”
“I am disappointed in you!”
Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your frustration is quite selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie, or even your country’s politics, however you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So, when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.
Instead of this, tell your child: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I think you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll understand it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do much better!”
“You are not [something]enough!”
By saying this to your children you are showing them a quite restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Despite the fact that you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is just a seed. However, it has to grow in order to become what it is.
Instead of this, tell your child: “You are enough to be or do what you love. However, in some cases all of us need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”